I think I’m ready to be done with you. Now if only my head can convince my heart.
I’m tired of hoping for the days that you have time to talk. We used to talk about everything and nothing all hours of the day until you got to your cool internship with all the cool people that you work with.
It feels like every single day, you build me up to knock me down again. I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with you breaking my heart all the time. It’s always the instant I lose hope that you pull through, and it makes for a lot of rough days.
There are a lot less butterflies inside me recently. I guess away from school and home, you get to reinvent yourself however you please. I’m not into summertime you cause he kinda sucks. And if this is how you act with the people you ‘fit in better’ with, I don’t want to see the real you.
I’m in love with the idea of being in love with you. But reality sucks. You suck.
my boyfriend is out at a halloween party tonight. i’m at home catching up on some reading for class. i hate this. we both get so jealous of the other going out. i know that when i go to a party with my friends, it’s just fun. i’m not getting myself into any compromising situations, i’m not interested in any other guys, i’m just having a good time with my friends. sure, i’ll dance with some of the guys and i’ll drink, but i haven’t been drunk in a very long time. and i haven’t been to a club in probably a year. i don’t know why i worry so much about him. i trust him. all the girls he works with think he is gay. most people don’t think that i exist. i just hate that our schedules are typically so different. i am at home tonight, but have a party to go to tomorrow. he’s out at a party tonight, and will probably be at home tomorrow. i guess i’m a fairly pessimistic person, so all these negative thoughts go through my head. it’s just that i don’t trust the people he works with, and they’re really his only friends he gets to hang out with because they’re on the same work schedule. it seems every few months there is a new scandal at work. people sleeping together, cheating on wives or girlfriends, or sleeping with someone who is married. it’s disgusting. like isn’t don’t fuck your coworkers a golden rule. it never ends well.
it’s amazing how much has changed since yesterday. i am outraged. i’m pissed. i want to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. i want to break shit. i’m upset and sad and homesick. i want to prove all you motherfuckers wrong. i want to do it by myself. i don’t want your help. i don’t want your sympathy. i don’t want your opinions. i want to get shit faced drunk and sleep for days. i want to go home. i want to be arrogant and say that i don’t need any of you. i’m tired of being upset. i’m tired of being lonely. i need comfort. i need you to hold me and not let go.
car club makes me happy, happier than i’ve been while away at school in a long time, but me hanging out and drinking with a bunch of guys upsets my boyfriend. my boyfriend also makes me very happy, but because of his job and the rotating shift he works, we typically don’t get to talk much. car club is here and my boyfriend is 500 miles away. since i’m new in the club, i’ve been trying to spend a lot of time to get to know everyone, and last night a few people did say that they like having me around and that i fit in well with the group. but spending time with car club means spending less time talking to my boyfriend. the way i see it is, if i leave the club i’ll be back to the miserable self i was last year. if i leave my boyfriend, i’ll be miserable, and i know me, so i know i’d leave him just to want to go back, and i’m not playing that game with his heart, he’s too good to me to do that. if i stay in car club, my boyfriend and i will probably still have issues about it, and i have to deal with this stupid crush i have. and leaving both would just be awful. can’t something in my life be simple for once?
long distance is such a trial of faithfulness. I went to a party tonight with the guys. there’s one who has been really nice to me since I met him and was kinda the first one to really talk to me. and of course, I instantly started crushing on him. he hadn’t been around in a while, but he was there tonight. I picked him up from his apartment. he got into a discussion with one of the other girls about why girls like assholes, and she and I both assured him that he should continue on the nice guy track. we sat together toward the end of the night. he had another ride home, but asked me to take him. goddammit. it’s so hard with my boyfriend kind of out of sight out of mind. it would be so much easier to be with someone that’s here and not states away. I just wonder what might have happened had I met this guy a year ago. I don’t really know him, and I absolutely love my boyfriend, and I know that I shouldn’t even wonder because I’m so lucky to have the relationship I have right now. but I just can’t help but to wonder.
It really sucks being hundreds of miles away from the people who have always been there for you. All my family and most of my friends are on the other side of the state, my boyfriend is a few states away, and nights like these when I just want to stay in get really lonely. My roommate’s boyfriend is here visiting. I’m really jealous. I can’t imagine what it will be like if he moves in. I know that I’ve consciously chosen to be in a long distance relationship, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s funny though, the only really serious relationships I’ve ever had have been long distance. And I guess that being on the same continent makes this relationship a bit easier than the last. I’ve joined a club that’s taking up a lot of my time, which is good to get my mind off missing my boyfriend, but at the same time is causing us to have problems because he’s worried about the people I’m spending all this time with. I can’t blame him. The vast majority of member are guys and we’ve been fighting over stupid things recently. I’m the kind of girl who has always been single and has always instantly fallen for any guy who has given me a second of attention. I can’t say I haven’t been crushing on some of these blokes a tad bit, but I love my boyfriend and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. It’d be nice to have a strictly platonic cuddle buddy some nights though, but I don’t think that exists, nor do I think my boyfriend would be happy about it.
I don’t talk much. And that’s a problem because my boyfriend likes to talk all the fucking time. It started off as a good thing, when I had nothing to say or just wanted to listen, he had plenty to say. But now, whenever I do have something to say, he talks over me and I can’t get a single word in. We’ve discussed this before. I’m just so over it. I’m on the phone with him now actually. It’s on speaker but turned way down and I’m blogging instead of paying attention. That’s a bad sign isn’t it?
Well, I needed a personal blog
I’m not giving the URL to any of my friends. I’m posting what I want, when I want.
